What if we could start over?
Just before I decided to end my life, I heard this.
I have been trying to end my life so many times in the past that I almost felt ashamed when I heard this. I was wondering if I should put an “again?” at the end. But it was not meant to be funny, so I won’t.
I guess my dark humour came from my past experiences. I could easily laugh in horrible situations. I remembered when I received the phone call that my dad just passed away right after I came back from my honeymoon, I need to call my boss to extend my leave from marriage leave to condolence leave and I actually manage to light up my tone with an apology. When I saw all the nurses on the same floor came rushing to my son’s bed and started shouting my son’s pupils were not responding to the light and at the same time, I could hear a long beep on the life supporting machine, I still manage to hold my tears as I realised, I don’t have a spare mask with me (it was crucial during covid pandemic). I guess my life was just too traumatic and dramatic I need to laugh it off or I couldn’t make it till today.
I also remembered when I was betrayed by my twin, I asked him with a laugh, “how could you do this to me after all I have done for you, and you know that I have leukaemia?” Yes, how could he have done all this to me when only he knew my leukaemia was back due to the hard labour that they put me through at work. But as usual, I laughed it off. Well. What is new anyway? Always being used up and then discarded. And the worst part is, how could I keep letting this happening to me? Don’t I have any dignity? Can’t I have some self-respect? Hello~I am not someone’s trash here. I remembered I wrote to my boss before resigning, "just because I am altruistic doesn't mean I have no dignity; and just because I am kind doesn't mean I have no feelings".
So yes, I told God, I will learn from my mistakes in response to his protection and his rescue in the situation. What’s past is not important, what’s yet to come is not predictable and we can’t worry too much about it neither. So, all we have to focus is the present. As simple as that. It doesn’t matter who hurt us, what’s important is that are we going to allow more people to continue this manner? To allow this becoming a pattern?
Our hearts are fragile, so is our mental health. I am strong and tough, but I also have a weak heart. I couldn’t read news for years because I get so triggered, I could literally cry over someone whom I don’t know is suffering. So, I was told by God to protect my heart, by all means. I was saved by Jesus who cost his life. I am too precious to God to go into waste. And if I end my life I cannot go to heaven anymore, and there is no turning back. And there is never enough despair and sorrow to end ones’ life, if you know there are people who is trying so hard to live every day in another part of the world. If you have the courage to die, then have the courage to live!
So live, yes; die, no. Reminiscence your mistakes, no; learn from it, yes. There is always a second chance as long as God still finds you faithful to him. He will always pick you up, pat your shoulder, watch you stand up again and start walking. He is there for you, and he has never given you up. So don’t give yourself up, no one, nothing and no place should cause your mental health to deteriorate to a point where you need to end your life. If there is, walk away from the situation, the person and the place. And God is watching you all along. He will never let you go through what you cannot handle. He gave you hard lessons to learn because he believes you could overcome, he believes in your strength, your courage and your faith in him. You are meant to do great things and he will preserve you at all costs.
So next time when you think you have lost all your hope, trust and believe that all it meant was for you to learn the mistakes and try not to let it happen again. Look up to the sky and say, “God, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes. Please stay with me and fix me.”
Comments