Are you being sarcastic here? No, I am not. I am being very honest here.
The first thing I felt when the “explosion” happened was relief. I honestly felt soooo relieved. Months of confusion has finally come to an end. Despite I was still feeling very overwhelmed of what just happened, I felt an enormous calm I haven’t felt for a long time. I felt I am finally off the hook. I am finally free from this mess.
I couldn’t explain that feeling into words, so I need some visualisations here. I guess firstly, the betrayal gave me a “three of swords” which followed by the abandonment as the “five of pentacles”. The remorse of trusting the wrong person hit me like a combination of “seven of swords” with “five of cups”. The regret for not listening to my own intuition becomes a “eight of swords”. Replaying the scene over and over again in my head of what went wrong kept me in the “nine of wands” state. Finally, I got the “ten of swords” by ending every pain with walking away as the “eight of cups”. After all that I was the “fool” all over again. This time I was wiser as I know what I want and became the “magician”. I listened to my intuition and became the empress finally. I know I am a Christian and am always trying to become a faithful one, but I still admire how the cards consist of so many symbolisms. I took it as an art to express my feelings instead of a tool to find answers. Because I believe, we always have the answers we need already. Sometimes we are just too blind to see or too stuck to believe it. And we give our power and our faith away by asking others for validations of our intuitions.
After watching the bridge got burnt to the ground by my ex-friend, I had such pain that I have never experienced before. I have never met someone so deceitful, cruel and horrible. So, I searched and searched online, asked around and prayed to God almost every hour. I was trying to find out what has happened to me. And before long I was able to find out and was given the most ridiculous answer which literally offended me at the time. But then I accepted it and looked into it. I started to feel so lucky that I got to find out the meaning of this connection which I believe my counterpart would never be able to find out, since he burnt the last bridge of this connection (LOL). Well, I hope he will never get to read this from me though.
Why joy? Why not? Because you don’t have to be in the toxic connection anymore: where things were not equal give and take; the clarity was never there; the difference constantly caused conflicts and the mirroring of each other's pain. If the whole point of the connection was nothing but a trigger to your spiritual awakening, you don’t really need this catalyst being in your life anymore if you got it. You have the freedom to be you again. To love yourself again. To have gratitude for everything that has been given to you again. Moreover, to repair that relationship with God again.
Nothing feels more liberating than to surrender to God. Imagine how much burden we carry each day. Being afraid of our certain past will drive people away or that will literally shame us one day. The responsibilities that we have for our loved ones and constantly worried about not paying enough attention to them will makes us feel guilty if thing goes wrong. The time we have for ourselves was never enough. We have so much passion, dreams that we once had when we were a child, all buried under every day’s errand. Do you still remember what you wrote about “who do you want to become when you grow up” in grade one? And what have we become now? How many dreams have we lost on our way in adulthood?
We all only live once. And it is important that we live it to the fullest. We are passing through this world with a limited time, the relationship we have with everyone on our path only happened once in this lifetime. It is important to find out who is important and who isn’t, who deserves you and who doesn’t, what lesson have you learnt? How can you do better? Every day counts. Don’t waste it on negative energy or people. Don’t. There are hope in love, there are faith in humanity. Don’t let anyone who wronged you change your belief, change your course of life.
You can take your own wheel and drive slowly but steady, even if there are problems on the road; as long as we still have the gasoline, we can drive through it. But even if we run out of gasoline, there are always people willing to tow your car for a while, or there will always be people willing to give you a ride. Show compassion to others, be vulnerable to others, let us help each other. But of course, do be careful and use your discernment before getting on someone’s ride, especially if you can sense there are red flags; remember that in severe situation you might lose your life if you blindly trust someone. That is why we need our intuition and caution all the time. The good news is we will gain our wisdom as we mature.
So does the separation ends? I don’t know. But do I really care? I no longer sweat about things that is out of my control and that doesn’t matter to me. If it doesn’t serve me anymore, why should I care anyway? I am perfectly fine being on my own already. Why would I want to invent different ways to stop the separation? I am not afraid of being separated from the wrong people, but the right people. That is why, during this journey, I didn’t focus on the counterpart’s journey as my own was a handful: full of challenges, excitement, encouragement and growth.
So instead of thinking about the ending of the separation, I choose to enjoy the things I can do during the separation. I certainly don’t mind if this is the end of the connection. The bridge was burnt for a reason. Maybe because the thing that can bring me from this connection has come to an end, and I am okay with it. It is important for me to remember, that we all die someday, and when we do, we are forced to be separated from each other anyway. We will surely make our loved ones cry or vice versa. And for those who made the choice of burning the bridge, they will most certainly not shed a tear when you leave the world for sure. So why bother ending the separation that will take place at the end anyway? Just think of it as a pre-mature separation and you will be fine.
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