Never have I thought about telling so many people about my past. But I now realised why in the first place have I got myself into places like that, I was meant to experience all these so I can pass on my experiences to the next generation.
I would say, my strength came from the hurt, the pain and the lesson learnt from my past. But the courage came with the love of God, who has always been there with me, pulling me out of the muddy water just before I got myself drown.
Every time. Without failing.
I never really blamed anyone for what have happened, it was full of wrong choices made out of ignorance and lack of wisdom. I was brought up to be someone independent, tough and disciplined. But I never really wanted to be. I wanted to be weak, soft and free spirit. But thankfully, the way I was made was exactly what I needed to get through all these trials…so I can be blessed at the finishing line.
The fact that I was constantly struggling with my studies and my sport skills in my early childhood got me a very low self-esteem which later on led to rebellion and ultimately self-destruction. The fact that I constantly thought my parents preferred my siblings than I drove me with huge anxiety. I became an introvert and got stuck in my own cocoon, refused to transform or break free.
Now that I look at my child who suffers the same mental problem as I had, I know how to help. But he wouldn’t listen to me (lol) just like I didn’t want to listen to God. I know, karma. But not yet, I know the wheel is still turning. I have faith. He was introduced to God from birth, but I only got my awakening at forty-five. He still got time.
So I faced my own demon and told my son everything that I have been through, from childhood till now. It might be a lot for him to digest, but he has started to realise he is not alone. He is now slowly opening his heart chakra and allowing me in. He often said to me, “wow, how did you pull that one off, mum?” or “how would God forgive your sin like that?” and he even said he is jealous that I was forgiven!
I know it is controversial to talk to a child about your past, even to strangers. But if we can loosen up our visage of pride, our mask of ego, we can see the difference it can be made to the people around us. If only we can all let our guards down, take a small step to admit our sin, open up to offer a little kindness, a little sweetness, the world would be such a different place.
My son almost got drown in a lake 3 days ago. He went missing for an hour after he played soccer with his friends. He was scolded badly by his father which I could fully understand. But despite I was told for being “too soft”, all I cared was he is home safe. That is all I cared. We can teach him later all the safety cautions, the consequences of impulsive actions, but he desperately needed a hug from his own personal shock, in his wet clothes and shoes. He said he was alone when he fell in, and he managed to get himself out by spirit. I believed him. How many times have I been in muddy water, got myself drown, was pulled up by God? Before I was 14, I had literally been drowned 3 times for 1 minute or 2 at my school pool. I know how panic I got during it and how traumatic it can be after the first time, to go into the pool again. But the feeling of thankfulness kept me going. And the warmth I felt from God as if he said to me, all I care is you have come home safe, kept my fire burning.
If there is one thing I prayed for every day, is to stay humble, faithful and thankful. For I know I can heal others in order to be healed myself.
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