The first thing I learnt from this journey was to be independent. Why? Because I felt so ashamed to tell people I was in this journey. It sounded so awful and when I tried to explain to others what twin flame means, I sounded even worst. I even made fun of myself. So, I became quiet about what was happening to me and in order to do so, I need to go into a hermit mode: solitude. And in order to have solitude, you need to be independent.
Being independent doesn’t necessary means you need to be alone completely. But you need to be okay to step outside your comfort zone and being alone should bring you peace instead of loneliness. All my life I was alone in different countries learning new languages, experiencing different cultures and meeting new people. I was alone and I felt so lonely. I desperately hang on to any kind of relationships I could find. I was unable to take transportation alone without listening to music, I was unable to eat alone without talking to someone on the phone or reading a book, I was absolutely scared to death when I was alone. Yet, I was always alone. This kind of changed when I gave birth to my son, but still, I was clingy to my son! I was not okay to be alone and definitely found no peace at all for being alone. I simply couldn't be alone. Until I met my twin, everything changed. The only thing I wished for was to have a safe place to cry, hence, a place where I can be alone.
When I was at my DNOS, I was lucky enough to have a place to stay where I could be alone. My family was so understanding, my mum, my husband, my child and my helper. They saw me cried and cried, went literally crazy. They didn’t understand what happened to me, but they assured me that I have their support. So, I selfishly requested to be alone for a period of time, to study for an exam and to start my new journey. They allowed me to do so without asking why.
To my surprise, I never felt so happy when I was able to be completely alone. Now that I had a space to cry, I stopped crying! How ironic is that. I realised all that I ever wanted was to be away from everyone including my twin, to be alone in a place where I am close to the nature. This place where I got to hide temporary was near the beach and surrounded by mountains. I couldn’t complain about having a place like this to heal!
After I was able to live alone, I enjoyed doing all the errands. I cleaned the place, cooked and went shopping for food every day. I never do any exercise in my life but now I get used to jogging at 6 a.m. and exercising at home every night. I eat healthier, zero alcohol and fast food. I was becoming like a new-born child. One of my biggest challenges was facing insects and living in the nature means you constantly have to battle them getting into your place. And I even conquered that which surprised my whole family. They have never seen this new me and neither have I.
Being independent doesn’t mean just to live in a place alone, you also get to do everything alone. And you absolutely love it. I found so much peace in it. And after being healed, I became a stronger, more powerful person as I am now not only okay to be independent, but I also respect and trust my child to become independent. Not only I gave myself a chance, but also to everyone around me. I trust my husband with his own time to do whatever he wants without asking where he is going and when will he be back. He said he used to live like a prisoner as I am a control freak. Now, I not only gave myself space, but I also learnt to respect others’ spaces as well. And that is what I called being independent.
You not only allow yourself to stop controlling your life but also stop controlling other people’s lives. You no longer depend on anyone and any circumstances, and you also allow others to go with the flow. Everyone deserved to be free from outside controls and have the capacity to think and act for oneself. While I was away, my family decided things based on their own judgement as the controller is far away and uncontactable. Turns out everybody became independent and more responsible.
This is such a valuable lesson that I have learnt, but I do not see my twin doing it. I can only see him falling out and falling into different relationships one after the other, living his life with co-dependency. I guess he still has a lot of healing to do on his own.
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